Unbounded Randomness

  This morning as I woke up, something had changed. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I looked around the room and it looked the same. Same bed, same sheets, the side lamp on my right, laptop waiting for me on the table and my phone buzzing with notifications. However, I did not feel like checking my phone like I always did. Why did I feel so different? I literally jumped of the bed, like I had no weight…May be earth’s gravity had changed? What a revolutionary idea! I chuckled to myself and went around to wash my face. Did I always look like this? I thought as I looked myself in the mirror. Who is this person looking back at me? What was going on? I went around the kitchen to make my cup of coffee. The rooms looked brighter, full of colours I had not noticed. The smell coffee tingled my nose as I poured the hot liquid in my cup. It never smelled so fresh before. As I strolled through the bright living room feeling like a child in a new house, I was captivated by a small bird in...

Day 90 or may be 91: Never mind, I have forgotten the count. It was one of those days in the Lock-down, when I had finished cooking, cleaning and was now sitting at my favorite place in the bedroom, wondering what do I do next? Few options slid through my mind, Netflix? YouTube? talking to someone on phone? Playing with my son?........and the list kept going….. I could not settle with any option. All of them had been overused in the past couple of months with no resort to my heart. No matter the option, I always felt restless in the end. And then of course there were other things to worry about like, what’s the count of Corona patients in the world, in our country and in our neighbourhood? What new rules are in place? Who got infected and how? What precautions should or should not be taken? What to eat and how to eat? Medicines? And then inadvertently, I felt I was actually feeling a little sick. May be I had throat pain, did I feel a bit hot? should I check my temperature?. Or...

There was a time when I used to wonder, if I am alone in this world or there is something more to this life? I kept feeling out of place, the odd one out as I wondered why everyone is so disconnected. Why is everyone cocooned up in their own shells? Why no one feels the beauty and the magic surrounding them? Why everyone is trying to conquer the other? But now, I do not wonder about this anymore. I know that this was all part of the game. A necessary experience to see, to value the oneness, connection and love that is available to all. Now, I know that light is only appreciated around darkness and heroes are only born in the presence of villains. Both are equally important for the balance. But only when one side becomes heavy, the realization of these duel forces and the ability to choose is realized within all of us. And that is what is happening. We, the human species hold both good and the bad; the right and the wrong within us. When our collective consciousness shifts toward...

So when my friend asked me, “But how do you go beyond this?” I stopped and realised that I had never tried to articulate what was it exactly that was helping me to go beyond my mind conditioning. Suddenly a casual conversation with my friend became a point of realisation of the truth. We were talking about one of the biggest and most common conditioning of a human mind: ‘You are not good enough and so you must earn an approval from someone/something outside of you’. This conditioning manifests in various life situations for everyone. For some in abusive relationships, for some in repetitive challenges in job, multiple partner relationships with none being satisfactory, constant feeling of dis-satisfaction of one’s life, giving in to addictions,   Jealousy and instant hurt on other’s feedback, Not knowing clear directions for self-growth, people pleasing attitudes, self-sabotaging behaviours and the list goes on. You get the point! The belief is so deep rooted inside ou...

The grownups always ask this question, ‘What you want to be, when you grow up? Despite the fact that they themselves haven’t found the answer yet. But I really wish I knew then what it is that I wanted to do or be. This question has haunted me for years. Right through my selection of college, subjects, interviews, jobs, countries and then leaving all of that behind and coming back to nothing but just this single question, ‘What do I want to be? ‘ It all boils down to this in the end.   I must have asked this question a million times to myself, to others , to books, to videos, to mentors, teachers ……and everyone sent me back empty handed as they said the answer lied within me. If the answer lies within me, why doesn’t it show up as clear as day sky? Why does it hide, why does it play games? Why does it behave like some sort of magical power that you must earn? I remember back in the day when I was a little girl, I knew I had no big ambitions to become successful or ric...

So often this word is misinterpreted, overused and modified as per the needs and conveniences of people and situations. And still…….it remains the most difficult thing to achieve even for the best of us. Everyone seems to running around to create this 'Balance' in their bodies, minds and life situations. I am a Yoga teacher and so I often use this word ‘Balance’, while instructing a student on posture but what that really means for the student is left open for interpretation. We imagine Balance as some physical state of being in which you feel stable and secured. But if you observe deep down, how balance is achieved, you will notice that balance is a continuous adjustments of parameters of imbalance just in the right proportion. The Balance of your body is definitely a continuous adjustment of your muscles to support you against gravity and other forces. What about Balance of your mind? Imagine Mind as a big muscle. It is such a flexible muscle that it can be stret...

Unconditional Love…… Nothing more or nothing less can be said about this word. Whatever definition you put forth for this term, limits its meaning, its essence. It is simply what exists as truth of us all. The base of who we are and everything that we have created is within it. ‘Unconditional Love’ is the atmosphere in which we live, so we can’t see it or perceive it but that’s what holds everything. Its what energies us , its what gives us slight nudges and pushes in the right direction. However, what we see is everything inside this atmosphere and not the atmosphere itself. So, we forget that it exists. We forget that we came from it and we are it. We all have experienced ‘Love’ many times. And interesting part is, we have also experienced ‘Hate’, which is opposite of Love. The only reason for this duality is because the Love that we experience is not unconditional. It is based on certain conditions and when those conditions are broken we experience hate. But what if, th...

On one sunny day, I was out for a walk, amidst the green treasure of this planet when a humongous tree took my breath away. Something in that tree pulled me closer towards it. There was nothing specifically different about the tree but a need arose in me to get up close to this tree and truly know what it is.  At first, I was hesitant to touch the tree which seemed full of rough edges, enveloped in layers of soil and dirt; tiny life thriving inside the deep ridges of its bark and completely utter nonsensical I would look if someone saw what I was doing. But the idea of knowing that tree overpowered my hesitance. Somehow, I just had to do it. I then started stepping closer to the tree and looked up at its great spread up in the blue sky. The tree was looking back at me in encouragement as if nudging a small child to take her baby step. The expanse of that tree was so vast that it covered a diameter of around 5 meters around me, sheltering me in its shade like a big grandfather...

‘Everything is planned out’ I have heard this term a million times and equally millions times ‘It didn’t go as per the plan’. Human beings are the only species on this planet earth who actually ‘Plan’ their life.   Why is it that only we require planning while the rest of the creatures happen to just live accidently? And the funniest part is, whether we plan or not, Life always takes over. Humans and other animals eventually have similar proportions of populations either failing (dying early) or becoming successful (whatever that might be in animal kingdom). Nonetheless we are determined to plan every step of the way. Right from our careers, marriage options, baby timings, holidays in the coming years, retirement plans, alternative career plans after few years and even to the smallest details of what to wear and what to eat on the daily basis. The weekend plans, the yearly plans, birthday plans, long terms goal plans, short term actions plans ….and it goes on and on…. ...

I entered the dingy room without expectations and was instantly blown away in stupefaction! Swirling smoky air, flickering lights, thumping floor with high bass beats and beautiful people all around swaying to their best! I stood on the spot to take in everything. Glamour was oozing out from every corner. Shimmering costumes, high heeled boots, coloured shorts and short Tees, smart dresses and long earrings, cool denims and white shoes. Faces painted with red lips, sparkling eyes and polished nails, long golden curls and short bob cuts, perfumed bodies mixed with sweat. The enigma of the place was mesmerizing to the senses but the energy that was being churned out here was one of a kind. Everyone seemed to be in a trance of their own dance and   as they would get completely immersed in themselves, some unique styles were emerging out of them. As the DJ continued playing beautiful tracks one after the other, the noises and shouts in the crowd kept on booming the hal...

  It was a hot Sunday afternoon in Mumbai. I was somehow managing to keep myself from sticking to my T-shirt and then to the seat in my car. ‘Humidity’ was kind of an understatement for water that was magically appearing on my skin. The blow of air-condition did not dare to cool off the angry sun peeking through my windscreen. I started worrying about the tan that was going to show off on my skin. I was trying my best to enjoy this ‘relaxing’ sunbathing and hot sauna of my car. I stopped the car at a signal and started adjusting the AC when my eyes fell on the road divider next to me. My heart stopped. A little boy, same age as my son, was sitting on the divider. His body was frail and dark, shoulders sinking and eyes lost in the eternal traffic ahead of him. The hot blistering sun seemed to make absolutely no difference to him. My struggle to cool off in my AC car seemed extremely futile. I kept looking at him and then he suddenly looked back. His dark black eyes pi...

    Finally I gave up. I gave up the suffocating inertia, that was imprisoning me in my own mind and stepped out of the office in the freezing cold. It was my lunch time break. ‘I have only few minutes, I will take a quick walk and come back’, I promised myself.   The cold slowly engulfed me into its blanket.   Cold has a unique crisp freshness about it that alerts your mind to its full vigour.   In few steps, my body gave its first sign of protest by a quick shiver. I never knew that the tip of my nose was such an important part in my body. Not only I was prominently aware of its coldness but it started running in no time. I continued. I had to today. In few steps, I entered one of the densest woods near my office.   I was welcomed by the thorny bushes first and then a range of growing tall trees. It all seemed like a standstill portrait. Not a single leaf on any of them. Standing in perfect silence, unaware of the world of huma...

I hear voices all the time, even though I live in one of the quietest places on this planet. It is quiet not just because its winter time in United Kingdom where the already miniscule population of this country vanishes under their blankets but mostly because I live alone at this moment. My Dolby stereo surround sound system of my husband, my son and in-laws that I was used to back in India is missing and with it the whole of my life surrounding them is missing. The voices that I hear now, are either the heaters turning on and off, light tapping of rain on roof at night, the ghostly steps of someone going up my staircase and my phone notifications. That’s it. None of these sounds really constitute to the world I ever imagined myself in. And yet I continue to live here. I continue to survive. But recently, I have started listening to much more dangerous voices than ever before. They never seem to leave me alone. Not in the day and not in night. These are the voices in...

It had been ages since she had ever really caught the twinkling drops of rain on her head and cried in excitement! The cry was always of either frustration or boredom. She never really wondered up until now that it is the same rain that she used to be excited about throughout her childhood. Since when did it start becoming boring? It still is the same rain. Filled with wonder, randomness, playfulness and loads and loads of love. What changed then? Climate? Life? Stress? OR just her? She looked at the culprit in the mirror and saw an image of a girl aging into a mid-life, worn out with routines of everyday, surrendering to the demands of society, smiling only when required, putting blinders to her horizon. She looked dull, lifeless, without that spark which she always carried proudly. She then looked at the rain pouring down outside, exactly opposite to the diminished life force of this girl. It knew no bounds. It just went on and on without thinking what others thought of...

It had been months I hadn’t moved my lazy ass to get out of the house and go for a morning walk. I am usually dragged more into the reasons like ‘It’s too hot outside’, ‘It’s late’, ‘I got to cook’ or sometimes ‘Just don’t feel like’.   And this is despite the fact that mornings are cooler, pleasant, peaceful, greener and always available. The laziness is more in my mind than in my body. This morning though, I simply got up early, got dressed and stepped out of the house. There is a time when you do take control of your brain and I guess today was one of them. I was surprised at the speed in which I took the decision and was already on my way. That was the first of many reasons that morning, I smiled wider. As I stepped out, the first thing I noticed was how fresh the air felt. It smelled of leaves and damp mud from watering plants and soft warm sun playing with it. It smelled of ginger tea, newspaper, fresh vegetables and boiling hot milk. It also smelled of sweaty peopl...

I dream of walking in a forest, lonely, cold in search of something. I love the trees, love the rustle of the leaves but their ghastly shapes haunt me. They remind of me something. Something deep that dwells inside me. That is yearning to come out. Its hidden in the dark corners of my heart just the way the old bushes of the forest are. Mystical, undiscovered, unimaginable, deep and scary. Why do I then like these places? Why do they attract me? Why is my heart leading me to the caves than the open grasslands? Why do I prefer the dark thorny bushes than the beautiful trees full of green and fruity colours? The beauty of the caves remains undiscovered until you step inside that hollow. The thorns don’t hurt you neither do they amaze you until you scratch yourself against them. If they were not meant to cause any pain, they would not be existing. Am I hoping to discover the entry to a new world through these bushes? Like a black hole. Like a tunnel, it would somehow reveal th...

“Mumma, can you tell me a story?” my 4 year old son asked. It was one of those days when I had used up all my stocked up stories and now would have to create a new one from my tired brain. I grumbled for a while and reluctantly started off with ‘Once upon a time’. He then interrupted me by asking, “Is there a bad guy in this story?” I scratched my head and thought, I shouldn’t be telling him about bad people. So I said, “No dear, it is a story of a little girl”. “Mumma, there has to be a bad guy or else it won’t be a story” he said flatly. I was so bowled over by his comment that I forgot the story I was weaving for him. A bad guy was as important as the good guy for him? He seemed to love both the hero and the anti-hero equally.   And why should I blame him? Do we all not rejoice the deadly Villan in the movies and the heroic fights between the good and the bad? If there is no struggle, no sad moment, no evil or absolutely no negativity in one’s life, the stor...