Voices of the world

I hear voices all the time, even though I live in one of the quietest places on this planet. It is quiet not just because its winter time in United Kingdom where the already miniscule population of this country vanishes under their blankets but mostly because I live alone at this moment.

My Dolby stereo surround sound system of my husband, my son and in-laws that I was used to back in India is missing and with it the whole of my life surrounding them is missing.

The voices that I hear now, are either the heaters turning on and off, light tapping of rain on roof at night, the ghostly steps of someone going up my staircase and my phone notifications. That’s it.

None of these sounds really constitute to the world I ever imagined myself in. And yet I continue to live here. I continue to survive.

But recently, I have started listening to much more dangerous voices than ever before. They never seem to leave me alone. Not in the day and not in night.

These are the voices in my head.

There is this voice of a lonely girl that craves for human love. There is this adventurous girl that is thrilled to be alone. There is this emotional girl that misses her son insanely. There is this courageous girl who is determined to do what it takes. There is this confused girl who doesn’t know what do next. There is this peaceful girl who is happy for no reason. And then,………….

There is me.

Who are all these people? I do not know. But they all seem to continuously make noise within me. They keep talking to me and try to convince me to their side.

Up until this moment in my life, I knew that there are all these voices hidden somewhere but now I can clearly hear them. I can see their conversations, their complains, their pleasures, sorrows, fulfilments and the whole drama that they always like to throw.

This drama that unfolds within me is much louder than the external voices. And yet, I had never recognised it. I was too busy talking to family, joking around with friends, listening to music, watching TV, talking to unknown guests in social events, listening to business jargon in office meetings, and millions of other sounds that are simply present because you happen to live in India.

But now that I am just with myself, the noise within me is so evident that I cannot help but try and bury myself in WhatsApp, Facebook or the good old TV. They help me for a while and then again I am back with the voices. Rather I am back with myself.

Why is it so difficult to be with yourself? If I can’t live with myself, who else can?

This new girl that keeps asking such questions is now raising her voice amongst all. She seems to ask just the right questions at the right time.

Why are you upset with this person?

Why do you care about what people think?

Why do you consider yourself incomplete?

What do you really want in life?

What are you afraid of?

Who are you?

 

I kind of like her voice a lot these days. The answers to these questions though are still not heard from anyone. There are a lot of voices that try to answer the questions but eventually they all shut up.

 And then there is absolute silence.  The kind of silence that you can’t fathom.

And then suddenly, without a single noise, a single voice or a single sound, I know the answer.

And know that for the first time I have heard something that cannot be heard.