Lockdown diaries......

Day 90 or may be 91: Never mind, I have forgotten the count. It was one of those days in the Lock-down, when I had finished cooking, cleaning and was now sitting at my favorite place in the bedroom, wondering what do I do next?

Few options slid through my mind, Netflix? YouTube? talking to someone on phone? Playing with my son?........and the list kept going…..

I could not settle with any option. All of them had been overused in the past couple of months with no resort to my heart. No matter the option, I always felt restless in the end.

And then of course there were other things to worry about like, what’s the count of Corona patients in the world, in our country and in our neighbourhood? What new rules are in place? Who got infected and how? What precautions should or should not be taken? What to eat and how to eat? Medicines? And then inadvertently, I felt I was actually feeling a little sick.

May be I had throat pain, did I feel a bit hot? should I check my temperature?. Or may be its just my imagination. I buried my worry in binge watching reaction videos on YouTube. It was then almost time to prepare my son for online school. And then I sat through all of his school, listening to relentless chaos of ‘Teacher, teacher……and everyone please mute yourselves…”. After doing another round of cooking and cleaning, by evening, I started to feel really anxious.

It felt like a part of me was lost. Maybe all of me was lost. Nothing I did or said brought any relief…..

My heart felt heavier, I could feel my heartbeat thumping against my chest. I felt overwhelmed with my emotions…..As I sat next to my window…..black clouds had gathered in the sky and the evening felt darker than ever.

And it all came crashing down on me………As the rain started pouring down in buckets, so did my eyes. And I had no idea, why? Nothing made any sense. On the outset, my life was perfect, my family was with me and our bellies were full. Then why did I kept feeling that something was amiss?

Why did I kept feeling that nothing I have done or doing ever satisfies me or makes me feel worthwhile? The void in my heart kept growing and growing until I felt engulfed in the darkness.

The darkness was painful initially but then it also felt kind of peaceful. My very first feeling was feeling disconnected with everything and everyone. Slowly, I started feeling disconnected with myself. As if I am just an existence with no meaning, no purpose and no value. Why is it that we try so hard to find meaning in this world? Why is it that we try so hard to feel our value? Who are we, anyway?

I slept in my oblivion that night.

Next day, I woke up, feeling refreshed, energetic and hopeful…… I did all the chores, finished my kitchen duties, bathed and sat quietly at my favourite place in the bedroom, wondering what do I do next?

Few options slid through my mind, Netflix? YouTube? talking to someone on phone? playing with my son?........and the list kept going…..